While in our false-self state of awareness, we tend to focus on material things. We fantasize that if we had the right job, a great relationship, and enough money, life would be perfect. Ironically, the fulfillment of that “perfect-life” fantasy in reality has nothing to do with the outer world. Fulfillment is found in the contentment and joy we experience when we are living in the true self, irrespective of external conditions. ~ John-Roger
Big thoughts to be confronted with first thing in the morning, however, they resounded loudly in my mind and made me personally want to put pen to paper to get down some thoughts about this place of inauthenticity that I most certainly have stood in, and I suspect many have visited.
After becoming a widow and fighting through some ugly estate matters that took some years to settle, I found myself always worrying about money. I would be lying to say I still don’t worry about money. However, I am getting better about breathing, and letting things be. I do my best and, yes, my life is resoundingly different since my bread winning, high achieving spouse left this planet.
Once I stuck my foot back in the dating pool many years after my husband died, I was, among other things, afraid to be taken advantage of by some hustler. Yes, I had a home, a car, and was not working full-time and was living a decent life. I worried I would become a target to draw in some who would think I had money. Hah, they would have been surprised, as I do not, but I am much better off than most of the world. On the dating scene, I was picking and choosing only those that appeared to be gainfully employed, educated, and hopefully making a difference in the world. How in the world did I end up choosing the one who did not have job? Not only did he not have a job, he had never really worked a day in his life.
Yes, I can pick them! I choose one who was independently wealthy, thinking that all my worries were solved and I would be able to breathe. He told me that I could sell my house, invest my money, not to worry we could live in either of his two homes, and/or look to purchase a new one somewhere we both loved. He told me, all my close friends and my mother that he wanted to take care of me FOREVER. He talked about growing old with me, how he could picture us holding hands when I was a little gray-haired old lady and on and on. When I commit, I am fiercely loyal. I believed his small talk and I felt relieved, thinking that I would have not only a house, but also more than one. I would be free to travel the world, which is important to me, and to hopefully make a difference in the world by donating my time and energies to causes. I would be able to afford health care, something that has been a big issue for me a brain tumor survivor. I felt like I was in nirvana. It was a false sense of reality.
He turned out to be a classic narcissist. I lost myself in focusing on the parts of a dream, living inside of material constructs. Notably, not having to worry about your health insurance and where you live are not selfish acts. However, I put those things before the actual investigation of who this man really was. He was a 47-year-old child. Never been married, never had children. He could not stand noise, light, or honestly another human being in his day-to-day life. He told me I was noisy. Me, noisy! Anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth of my person. However, I began to believe him and I became afraid. Afraid to make noise, I would tip toe around while he slept, and slept and slept. He was not well you see, and if I wanted him to heal from the poison he had recently been exposed to (his words) I would respect his wishes to heal. Meanwhile, I was tip toeing downstairs with a coffee grinder, hiding far away to grind my morning coffee. I could not open the garage door to get a bike out, it might wake him and the list went on and on. Oh, but my home is your home, I have opened my doors and life to you. What a sweet mess I got myself, and my son, into all because I was focused on the material aspects of life.
What I know now is that it does not matter where I live, as long as I feel safe. I am still being able to pay for my health insurance all by myself thank you very much. I do not need to kneel at the altar of a narcissist in order to have some nice things in life. It comes from within. Even after this nightmare of a relationship, which I will honestly admit scared and hurt me deeply, what I do know is that I have come to love myself more. I have come back to my spiritual side once again, and am learning to look inward for love and acceptance. I may never experience the gift of growing old with someone, but that is okay too for there is so much grace in acceptance, and when you embrace that you will have peace.
The longest journey you will make is the one from your head to your heart ~ Sioux saying