I have been at this business of being a widow for 9 years tomorrow, November 5, 2013. Honestly, it feels like longer some days and other days it feels like it just transpired, sometimes these varying degrees of feelings occur within moments of one another. These conditions create intermittent feelings of joy and great sorrow. What I have learned in these 9 years is to let it all flow; to lean into whatever is coming up for me. Not to judge it or stifle it, but to let it be as it is showing up.
To let it be has been challenging for me as I was raised to not wear your feelings on your sleeve, and to pick yourself up and get on with it. I have done these things and they haven’t served me well. I remember the day his soul departed this earthly realm I felt I needed to look presentable and greet people as they stopped by the house offering various forms of comfort. What I really wanted to be doing was to be huddled up in the corner of my closet wailing for the loss of my husband, the father of my son.
Be kind to yourself on this journey. Love yourself. Indulge in things that make you feel good, that bring you comfort. Love yourself some more; there is no such thing as loving yourself too much. Find your faith, lean into it and find your community of support. There will be many who will simply not be able to be of comfort, and that is their journey, do not judge. You will be tempted however. There will be times of bitterness and anger along this walk. Try not to give wholly into it, but rather search a little deeper for some forgiveness. You will have to forgive many, from the people who did not save your loved one to the person who cut you off in traffic just this morning. You will remember to love and forgive again it will just take time.
Time is all we really ever have. Time is the most important thing in terms of how we spend it. We cannot change the past, nor can we predict the future so it is important to show up today and live in the present moment to the fullest. If you are a new widow or widower that might not be much, but try to find one small thing that makes you smile. Keep the love and the light alive in your soul; don’t give up for you have much to do yet on your journey. Honor yourself, love yourself and use your voice to communicate how you are really feeling.
I miss my husband, Bud, more than my mere words can say. I miss his laughter and his humbleness, I miss his great intelligence, I just miss him. Life together was not always easy, we had a great many trials and tribulations, but we were together in love and we produced a beautiful son who is my greatest gift. I miss you Sherwin Vellacott Wittman II, I miss you more than mere words can ever convey. This is what I wish to say to you today, and that I am finally learning to use my voice!