Dating is one thing that confounds me, especially at this point in my life. How do you meet people you might be interested in? Of course, the answers are simple and complex ranging from joining a group one is interested in, have a friend fix you up, to online dating. Yes, I have done them all and found none of them very fulfilling. With no intention of being cynical, I wonder if at this stage all the good ones are off the market, or upon further reflection perhaps I am becoming more jaded to the process as time goes screaming forward. Today I am a 55-year-old attractive, fit widow. Not relishing using the word ‘widow’ to describe myself, it is just another thing I don’t fully perceive how to integrate into my persona. And, it isn’t like I woke up yesterday and become a widow either; I have been one for almost 11 years now!
Blessings do abound in my life and motherhood is one, I have a wonderful son who lives on the other side of the world. For now, our relationship is one of Facebook texting and the occasional face time phone call. Just by reading and writing these words, it is evident to me how much I miss the human interaction with my beautiful son. I also have a group of beloved women friends, and a loving family, as well as a perfect furry friend, my sweet dog. On so many levels, my life is wonderful, and yet I would like to have a companion once again, and so this morning I contemplated undertaking the online dating process yet again.
In the past, the online experience has provided an abundance of dates as well as what I thought was going to be a solid relationship, sadly it did not turn out that way and I ended up being very hurt. In an effort not to duplicate that experience, I have done a lot of work on me since that time. Also I am not looking to date a lot of men, I would prefer a relationship. So this morning after reading that this is a good astrological time for romance, I thought what the hell I will check in with the online forum once again. The first thing that pops up is the guy I feel hard for 5 years ago! He is my best match! Really, seriously in what way I think to myself! I am shocked; my blood pressure rises as I sort through the nonsense. Why would I ever be a good match with a full-fledged narcissist I think to myself! And then I step back and am reminded once again of why online dating pulls me down so much, it takes a lot of sorting through the sludge to perhaps find one that has potential. I for one do not usually have that kind of time or energy. I will have to keep on hoping that I am going to meet an interesting guy at the grocery store, the airport, or in line somewhere. Meantime, I am going to continue to love my family, friends, my sweet dog and most importantly myself. I recognize how fully blessed I am and just how much I have to be grateful for, and sorry online dating you don’t get much of it right on how you make matches. After all, how could you, love is much more than a few carefully crafted words someone scribes, which may or may not be true after all!
As a postscript, as I wrote this a couple of months ago, I did in fact invest some time and energy into online dating. It has, as I surmised, turned out to be less than promising. They either have not read my profile, or they are just too weird. Of the couple with whom I decided to exchange emails and phone calls, as well as arrange a date, I had an okay experience on one date, not great and I have a sneaking suspicion that at his underlying core he might be gay, and the other stood me up just this morning, saying he could not meet for our planned hike today, he didn’t sleep well. Really, well neither did I, but I still planned to go through with the hike! Perhaps this is all for the best since he wormed his way in (clearly ignoring what my profile said and I set it aside too) as he had a young child, I mean really young, as in eight (8) years old. Why do I allow myself to be manipulated when I attempt to set boundaries? Apparently I need to work on how I ground myself and establish boundaries. Does it sting a little? Yes, it most certainly does, as ego never desires rejection. Work, there is work to do on my self of that much I am aware, and it leads me right back to what I previously wrote. . . do I really want to invest the time and energy into online dating? I cannot honestly answer that question at this moment.
I went on the arranged hike alone today, and I turned it into a run. I conquered an almost 2,000 foot vertical incline that occurs in approximately 1.2 miles and the remaining miles in under 2 hours. Kudos to my body for carrying me that far, kudos to my soul for sitting at the top for a few moments and taking the time to slow down and actually experience the feeling that all time had stopped. Kudos to me, for shucking fear to the door, but the question remains have I really? Am I really ready for anyone to enter my life, or is my life best spent celibate? There is soul-searching to be done here for certain.
It may be that when we no longer know which way to go we have come to our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is one that sings. ~ Wendell Berry