Days have turned into nights some thousands of times since I lost you. I very much dislike the use of the word “lost” as it implies that you have been misplaced somewhere, that you couldn’t find your way home from work or some such thing. I did not lose you, did not throw you away, or misplace you. You died one morning, took your last breath, your heart stopped beating and you died on a cold metal table in a hospital in a room all alone with no loved ones present. It is more than my heart can bear most days.
You used to tell me that I would miss you when you were gone. Actually, you told me these things when we were arguing, and I would often think to myself in those moments, yeah right! You were right, of course, and I do miss many things about you. The first of which is your laughter! You could fill a building with your laughter and get everyone laughing, most often over almost nothing at all, although I am sure it was often the sound of your laughter that made others laugh. That and you always lost your neck when you laughed hard, which in turn made us all laugh even more.
I also miss talking with you. You had a brilliant mind and could discuss almost anything, but my personal favorite was discussing history and the events that shaped it. I learned so much from you and grew from the experience. We could talk about almost anything. We valued talk in our home, never eating a meal with a television set on, and always discussing the day, events and life. It filled my soul to the brim. I miss your talk.
Your presence, oh how I miss your presence. You had such a commanding voice and person that everyone would notice you if that was what was called for, and on the other hand you blended in with the very basic of humanity, never calling attention to yourself. You blended in with the rich and the poor alike, the brainiest as well as the simple man, the white-collar and the blue-collar workers. You represented over the road semi-truck drivers and you fit right in with them just as equally as you did with the other lawyers, the judges, and the movers and shakers of the corporate world. You were a simple man, and yet so much more complex.
I miss the provider you were, the trips we took, the life we enjoyed as a family. I will never have this way of being again, for you died that morning on a cold metal table, you left this earthly realm. We are all simply doing our best to exist in your absence. I miss you. It is almost Valentine’s Day, and while I remember many of them, I mostly recall the moments, for it is in the simple moments that life is made.
Then there was this message today while I was out on a run.
A hawk is a power animal, often considered as a messenger who brings messages from the spirit world and the unseen. I love love this symbolism, and am going to take it as a gift from my husband to me. What joy there is to be found all around us if we notice the little moments!